Friday, December 16, 2011

Panic and the Need for Control

Remember that this blog is not only a peek at our journey into the world of spina bifida?  It is a place to share the emotional side of it all too.  This will be one of those posts and some of you may just laugh at me.  I’m going to record it anyway because it happened. 

Today was a nice, normal day.  I had my final checkup with my regular midwife today before switching permanently to the high risk pregnancy clinic at the hospital where I’ll deliver.  I’m 35 weeks along today, measuring 37 weeks, dilated to 1cm, and weighing 211 lbs, a 16 pound gain for the pregnancy that officially has me weighing more than my 6’1” husband.  (I’m 5’5”.)  All of that was fine, didn’t make me bat an eye.

This afternoon I got a call from the hospital’s high risk clinic.  Next Thursday I see the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctors for our big ultrasound.  That is where we suspect we’ll be told it’s about time to deliver Mason, that his hydrocephalus requires an early delivery.  I’ve known that for two weeks. 

Well, the high risk clinic calls to set up a checkup for the Wednesday after that date, just in case things look good at our ultrasound.  I’m great with that. 

Then the lady on the phone says she needs to set up the next appointment.  A week after that, January 4th.  19 days from now.  It will begin with a fetal lung maturity test, she says.  That is an amniocentesis.  If you’re not familiar with that, imagine a needle about a foot long or longer being poked into my belly.  No, I’m not joking.  I knew something was up when she mentioned it, but I still wasn’t prepared for her next sentence.

“If that looks okay then you’ll have a C-section at 3:30 that afternoon.”

My heart just about stopped.  For some reason knowing in the abstract that next week I may need to have Mason wasn’t panic-inducing.  However having an official delivery date was.  I got off the phone and all of a sudden was terrified., worried, and ready to panic. 

Silly, isn’t it?  It may all be a moot point next week if delivery needs moved up even earlier.  Yet having an official date threw me for a loop.  I almost cried.  I’m not ready.  I’m not ready mentally for all of this, there are still things at home that need to be finished up. 

When my husband got home from work I told him the first thing on my to-do list tomorrow is to scrub down the refrigerator shelves.  He laughed at me. 

Oh admit it, you’re laughing too, aren’t you? 

For some reason it is those sorts of things that must be done in my mind.  When I have a bit of perspective I know my list has a lot of things that won’t be the end of the world if they’re left undone.  But all of a sudden I feel like I’m out of time and they must be done.  There is so little under my control right now, and that is only going to get worse once Mason is here, so I think that’s why I feel compelled to make a list of things that I can control and do them. 

Speaking of which, I’m off to make that list now.  Even if I know I’m being silly.  It will still make me feel better to have something to do while we wait for this final countdown to play out.


  1. Tristan you guys CAN do this! I have known you all my life and have loved Jason as a brother for as long as you have been married and I KNOW God sent mason to you two because you guys have faith enough in God.You will depend on Him to get you through this.I cant wait to see Mason! I am praying constantly for you to recover quickly and that Masons surgerys will go well!

    LOVE YOU!!!

  2. Tristan ~ I do not think you are crazy at all. With order comes peace, and clean refrigerator shelves may make you more feel more in control. I get it. :-)

    I am praying for you as Mason's arrival gets closer; praying for Mason's health and peace of mind for your family.

    Hugs! :-)

  3. I wouldn't go to the hospital with my first until all the carpets were vacuumed. My husband was trying to push me out the door, and I'm yelling that I need to finish cleaning. I totally understand. I'll continue to pray for you and your family.

  4. Okay, so, I'm only laughing because I do the same thing!!! Haha, love it! We're praying for you and I think of you often (if you couldn't tell :-D). I'm anxiously awaiting your next post and wishing I was there for you!

  5. Yes these are normal things. I cut my husband's hair while laboring with my 3rd son, got as far a transition before I finished his haircut. Luckily the hospital was close & the midwife beat me there. Less than 30 minutes later I was nursing my son. And you have a lot more emotions going on this round. So just go with it, if is not harmful and clean refrigerator shelves are not harmful:)

  6. I just wanted to wish you and your family the best of luck. We also homeschool and our oldest child has spina bifida. He is six now and doing great. Whatever happens, don't let the doctors get you down. They have to tell you worst possibles, but my son is doing much better than they predicted. Pray, and leave things in His Almighty hands, which has always been the hardest for me to do. God bless, and Merry Christmas.


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